So, yesterday was my 43rd birthday- I spent most of it in bed as I was up the night before cleaning out my bathroom closet. At 7am Monday I realized I was still up, and the birds started to sing and the sun started to come up- I love that moment... I love to hear the birds, I love the sun, I love cool breezes on my face... God is good, he gave us such beauty- its up to us if we see it or not.
So, another year older- age doesnt bother me. I didnt freak when I turned 30 or fear turning 40... its part of life. But the eve before my 43rd birthday I got a revalation... I guess I should start with ten years ago... I had spine/neck surgery. I had two fusions at C4-5 and C5-6. It left me crippled. For a few years I tried to get on with my life and then finally after the struggles I gave up. I spent 5 years in bed, wouldnt leave my house, became agoraphobic (fear of leaving house/going out) and have severe anxiety attacks. I gained over 100 pounds and totally let myself go. I used to be alive, beautiful, the "doer"... and then one day, one instant, it was all over- I just laid there waiting to die. A few years ago, I was forced to move to PA from NY cause my house is in foreclosure and we were told there was a sale date- well, they lied... so for 6 months me and my kids were in PA and my husband stayed in NY cause he couldnt find work in PA. After the 6 months, and the NY house not foreclosing, me and the kids moved back to NY. We are still in the house- I dont know how, its been almost 4 years in foreclosure. But, I am not going to question it. So... my husband has been out of work for 1 1/2 years and we live on a few dollars a month I get from disability- we went from living middle class comfortable (well, paycheck to paycheck, but still able to get a few little extras) to having nothing. This year has been tough- no holidays at all- we didnt have a Thanksgiving dinner, or a Christmas, and Easter and my birthday came and went... But... my beautiful 18 yo daughter, who works 2 jobs and goes to school full time went out and got her 15 yo brother a bunch of stuff for an Easter basket and brought home a dozen eggs from her boyfriends and hid them for him. That is the best gift I could ever have... and no matter what goes wrong in my life- my kids are so right! I couldnt be prouder of my babies... and more pleased with how they are growing up. Its been hard on them and my husband with me so depressed and lifeless all those years. My husband is not the most understanding patient man... he has put me through hell... but I cant blame him, as it takes two. When he was working I spent money like it was free- he busted his hump and I took every dime and shopped on line every day... he resents me so much and I cant blame him. I put us in this financial ruin because I couldnt be strong and fight for my health... I just gave up and shopping became my out- my heroin. I look at him now, and see what a good man he is and how I have broken him and wish I could take it back... but I cant... To this day, he caters to me, not with a smile of course, out of obiligation... cause I have so let myself go that I can barely move anymore.
Also, through-out the years, I had a lot of losses- the pain was too hard to bear- to hard to face- 26 years ago, April 10th 1985- I lost by soul mate- my best friend- he was 13 days away from turning 17, I was 15 days away- he passed of Hodkins disease (cancer) at 16 yo's old. To this day, I ache for him. It changed my life. It changed the month that is my and his birthday. Then Jan. 1st 2000 I lost my grandmother- the woman who raised me- from a stroke. My grandfather- who was my best pal died when I was 17- and no one told me :( my father is a crack addict and he wasnt talking to me (the many times he walked out on me) and so he told the family not to tell me or he wouldnt go to the funeral. SO it was months later I found out. I still dont have closure from that. Then my sister in law passed away and was buried on my birthday 3 years ago. She was 39, left behind 2 small boys. She had ovarian cancer that was found while having a c-section with her 2nd child. A very dear friend of our family- a soul mate to my mom- a wonder woman- one day she found a lump in her breast-a few months later she died- on my moms wedding anniversay. So quick- just like that- life changes. And I ask you- if your life changed in one moment- would you be happy with what you have said to others?- what you have left on others?- what you have done for yourself?--- well I am now 43 and I choose life. I choose to get off my ass and help myself. I choose to stop the pity party I have been living and take one day at a time to put myself back together. I WILL get out of bed every day. I will work on healing my broken body, soul, heart, self... I am an artist- a little glue and a lot of embellishing- I will re-create myself! I will one day look in the mirror and see myself again.
So, on the eve of my 43rd birthday, I cleaned out my bathroom closet, and in there, I found me.
Everyone has a story- this is mine.
Thank you for reading- I hope this inspires you :)